TRUST THE PROCESS

 

“Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been, I have great faith in a seed. Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders.”

—      Henry David Thoreau

The process of productivity is time-oriented. It involves many steps to the tangible output worthy of consumption. It has no finality to it. It is a continuum. Remaining productive requires a conscious decision matched with deliberate sets of actions.

When it is convenient and when it’s not. When we wobble and stumble it is necessary to follow the structure. The structure is the secret. It cannot be missed neither can it be swapped. One precedes the other then another then another.

As easy as it is to pluck the beautiful rose. Some back and forth from cross pollination to seeding to germination to survival of harsh weather conditions had happened before the blossom. That beauty you see is not permanent. The rose is always still in the works.

I learnt a lot from the one green plant I have ever sown in my life. The Aloe Vera plant. I visit my hairdresser on a sunny morning and met her discussing her attempt at formulating hair products based on her years of experience in the industry. She was lamenting about the National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC) angle to production. It was going to take a very long and tedious process plus financial investment to get the product approved. That of course is story for another good day.

She had a few ingredients lying around the salon floor. One of them were stalks of the Aloe Vera plant. The greenery was the attraction. I commented that I wish I could have that plant because I hear and read so much about all its benefits in a lot of ways apart from hair care. In truth, I was particular about beauty care. My acne-prone face was on my mind. She immediately offered me one of the stalks. I was hesitant. I asked if it would grow. That question was borne out of fear that having never planted anything in my life, what do I do with it. I told myself ‘I better not waste it’. She immediately gave me assurance that it is a rugged plant. It doesn’t wither off quickly and can survive without so much attention. It been filled with water naturally; it nourishes itself for a while. It has a natural sustainability component built-in. the Aloe Vera plant can be planted in a bowl, she said. I took the plant with doubts in my mind.

I immediately went to the grassland opposite my apartment to get black soil. That portion of land was actually used as a maize farm by my neighbour. I poured what my energy and plastic dustpan could dig into the small bowl. I dug a hole and placed one of the stalks into it. I watered it. Looking at my effort, placed by the window on the balcony of my one-room apartment I wasn’t sure it would grow. I watered it every few evenings apart. In spite of my doubts, my uncertainty, nature took its course. It grew. It wasn’t as green as I wanted though. This was for no other reason apart from the fact that I didn’t water it enough.

With those cumulative efforts, some almost non-significant, I had my source of the desirable Aloe Vera gel. I used it generously. The shocking thing is, at that time I never really thought those actions put together was a process. I didn’t realize it was a cycle. That the outcome was a result of a continuum of effort which I had to keep going in spite of the result I have already.

Note that even in my doubt, there was a glimmer of hope. I called it wish then. In my mind, I said, I wish this thing will flourish. Heavy on doubt but light on hope, I took the other stalk to my parents’ home. That plant is doing well too.

Today as I write, I am glad to say it wasn’t a fruitless effort. It still isn’t. I have more than one stalk of grown Aloe Vera plant in a medium sized washing bowl of about 10 liters. I have more than enough for my thick black hair and for my beauty experiments.

Do not think this process of productivity just described is as simple as it is written out. I, as human, forget to water the plant for a stretch of time. But the good thing is I trace my step and get back to watering my plant – thank God for the water composition in the plant itself – after a few days.

You see, as I cast a long look back on that day after about 2 years, I see the lesson therein. It took a decision, in my down time, to continue making efforts such as putting pen to paper. You may want to strike that and read that as sitting by my PC to write something. I consider any type of writing as putting pen to paper because I am a pen pusher at heart and by training.

This is exactly how productivity or call it success is. It will require inputs from you. You may have to dig and get your hands dirty – I don’t mean that literally only. You may have to forgo some fun things. You definitely have to do without a few idle activities on your list.

But at the end of the day I assure you it is worth all the trouble. Better put, it is worth all the sweating, omissions, inconveniences and efforts.

Remember the process is never finished.

Love, Soft Steel.

“A garden requires patient labor and attention. Plants do not grow merely to satisfy ambitions or to fulfill good intentions. They thrive because someone expended effort on them”

— Liberty Hyde Bailey

“Watering everyday on a seed results in fruitful faith.”
― Rupal Asodaria

PROTECT YOUR SELF

If I were to be asked intangible phenomenon, I value the most, it is my ‘self’. By that I mean my self esteem. I harp on this concept so much that I equate it with my self-pride. Sometimes it appears to me as self-worth.

Self-esteem is how much you like or appreciate yourself.  The concept is used in psychology to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Bear in mind that self-esteem is completely subjective as well as enduring. In other words, it means different thing to different people. Your self-worth is determined by you alone.

Consequentially, you are the one to determine what constitutes a threat and how to deal with it.

My characteristic ‘self’ tolerates anyone throwing anything at me; niceties even shit. I tend to take things laying down. I can be stoic to a fault. I keep accommodating all sorts until a slight incursion into my inner territory makes me snap. I take it so long as it does not threaten my self-esteem.  Whatever actions that tends to be an affront on my person, I shade ever so sharply. As a matter of fact, I am transformed into a strange human being even in my own estimation. All my timidity flies out the wind.

A threat to my self-esteem brings forth my unpleasant, blunt side even as an introvert. That’s how much I treasure it. Many a time I walk away from situations without as little as a word of explanation to protect my ‘self’. A few times I walked away from jobs seeing as my sense of self is constantly touched, fingered, brashly attacked.

Make no mistakes a lot of people will be quick to explain away actions which amounts to attacking your ‘self’. It is left to you to figure out what’s more valuable. The relationship, the job or you.

In my estimation, one’s self esteem is worth guarding with every ounce of deliberate systematic action. Such responses will cost you. You may lose certain immediate benefits. You may initially feel bad yourself as it may be rude, seem audacious and possibly irrational. I can tell you that it cost me a whole lot sometimes. I lost a means of livelihood not once. I did walk away from constant salary, or a high probability of it, twice. The initial guilt of talking back at another person notwithstanding, I feel elated even today for those decisions. Truth be told, there were days I ask if it was worth it. the answer from deep within me is almost always a ‘yes’. In hindsight, I am glad I walked away with my head high. I am glad my ‘self’ is intact. Well… as intact as possible after so much bashing.

It is very true that you have to teach people how to treat you. failure to do so most likely will amount to disrespect of one’s self hence my recommendation of ‘self’ protection. Sometimes one has to be subtle about it. At other times, you have to stand up to disrespect. A few times, you may have to walk away to avoid major injury to your ‘self’. On rare occasions, especially when it has been tolerated over time and the 'inflictor' is used to walking all over the supposed victim, a combination of approaches becomes a necessity.

Choosing to hold a high opinion of your ‘self’ and project such, no matter what, is key to self fulfillment. If you believe in your abilities as a good and caring mother carry yourself so. Do not allow anyone make you feel otherwise. Anyone is free to try judge you but you have a voice to resist and value your abilities even if there is need for improvement. I have fellow ladies talk down on their peers for choices they make. Choices such as whether or not to wear hair long or cut it short, to wear trousers/shorts as a married woman, to be a career woman or work from home are individual decision and should be respected. It is baffling how a personal choice becomes a subject of debate. Someone who is not my husband’s wife should not tell me I am not “full length wife material” because my husband cooks on Saturdays. My friend whose boyfriend dictates her movement should not make me feel less worthy if that does not happen in my relationship.

Be as kind and considerate with yourself as you do other people. We tend to beat ourselves harder than we do other people. Take comments about how you handle your sick child with a pinch of salt as long as you adjudge yourself doing the best you can. A typical example is harsh comments about administering herbal mixture or orthodox medicine to infants. You are not a negligent mother if you do not give your child every suggested mixture. Stand by your decision.

Cut yourself some slack. Everyone has their faults. We all make mistakes.

Do things for your happiness too. While you play the role of mother, wife, girlfriend, sister remember to be happy for yourself. Your happiness should not always stem from other people’s happiness. Schedule your facials. Take that swimming lesson if that makes you happy. Do not feel guilty about it.

One thing you should avoid is down playing your ‘self’ just for the good of others. It is an opinion of your ‘self’ which can never be wrong. Other people in your life cannot define it for you. it is your responsibility. In the same vein, you should not allow any relationship or situation influence your opinion of your ‘self’. That could be injurious in the long run.

Stay ‘self-full’

Soft Steel

SHINE BRIGHT LIKE DIAMOND

The diamond’s shine is spectacular and difficult to dull. This rare gem stone has characteristics that separates it from others. The creator is magnanimous enough to make everything unique in its own way. The diamond is in a class of its own. The are 4 distinguishable highlights that singles out this precious stone in the midst of other equally fine stones. These characteristics are referred to as the 4 Cs. Those in the minerals and mining sector will catch my drift faster. The diamond has Clarity, Cut, Carat and Colour. All of these attributes combined make this stone tick. The diamond is priced based on this combination. No one can take away from it.

I liken you to diamonds. It is said that every diamond is born with its birthmarks engraved in it by pressure or heat as it is formed within the earth. As an individual you are just like that. You are unique with your blemish, tones, curves, the eyeballs you consider not so perfect, the lips you see as too thin, the scar from your surgery… You name it! Those things make you stand out. You should possess clarity of whom you are to fulfil purpose. Having clarity of who you are creates a pedestal for you to build blocks towards self-actualization. When you are clear regarding who you are there is need to fashion out your shape. Know who you are. Know the degree of your flaws and how to deal with them and underplay them for the best part of you to shine. Identify your ‘birthmarks’, blemishes, strength, weakness. All of that make you YOU. Embrace your individuality. This is your ‘cut’.

The ‘cut’ of the diamond is considered the most important characteristic of all 4. You should never compromise on your ‘cut’. It determines how much light shines through you. You are finely shaped by the hands of God for light to shine through you. This light in turn is expected to reflect back into the world. How much light you allow to come into you from the abundance provided by nature is in your hands. Take in as much light as you can to banish darkness from within you. The world needs you to reflect a more brilliant equivalent of your intake to further brighten it up.

Your colour is your taste. Your principles, standards and tones of acceptance, tolerance and accommodation. How colourful you are underlines things like what you accept others do to you, what things you hold sacred. Your colour attracts people to you. The more colourful you are, the rarer you are, the better the quality of people attracted to you. Brighten your colour. Improve your colour with positivity. Draw out the hues deep inside you to bless the world.

Carat is another distinguishing element of diamonds. It refers to the weight in comparison to the cut of a diamond unit. Because you are a diamond, what is your weight? Your carat can be likened to your tenacity. You should identify and take advantage of your tenacity. Be a formidable force. A force to reckon with in whatever you do. Stand for whatever you believe. You should, henceforth, be confident in your conviction on any matter because diamonds’ carat determines the price.

Evaluate your 4Cs. These will determine how you are priced by others. Through sincere evaluation, YOU will discover that you are premium thus worth the price you name.

It is a case of “diamonds and the others”

Let no one dull your shine. As you take up space in this beautiful world shine bright without reservations. That you are female should not make you apologetic of expressing yourself. Be unapologetic as you shine your light. Expressing your personality is a giving as a human. You have a personality for a reason. For that reason to be fulfilled your unique body of temperaments, attitude, fits, fears, generosity, care, tenderness, candidness, perspectives and all have to be set free in the most positive manner.

Display your light in the open. Who lights a lamp and keeps it under the table! Not you dear friend. Shine! You do not have to deem your light for that of others to shine. More light, more illumination.

You must know that diamonds are forever. Right? They are indestructible as well. Keep lighting up the world because YOU can.

Cheers.

Soft Steel

FINDING INNER PEACE

Love and peace of mind do protect us. They allow us to overcome the problems that life hands us. They teach us to survive …to live now…to have the courage to confront each day – Bernie Siegel

More than anything in the world, peace of mind is the greatest euphoria a human being can experience. Having peace of mind is a chief accomplishment in personal realization. Peace of mind is a deep-seated comfort or serenity even in spite of external chaos. It is an unexplainable sense of calm in the midst of external storm.

A search through Wikipedia reveals inner peace is “a deliberate state of psychological or spiritual calm despite the potential presence of stressors”

Peace of mind is a resolve that in spite of unpleasant events or situation occurring in your life per time, your inner core is protected. Your soul is uncorrupted. Peace of mind is reflected in as simple as not allowing the loss of your designer wallet along with money make you irritable and affect your overall mood. With peace of mind you are in control of your emotions. You are on top of every situation. You are less stressed because you view occurrences as just a snag which time or decisive action will deal with so that the episode or call it stressful situation is done and dusted. Then you move unto the next challenge!

Having peace of mind is priceless. Peace of mind will make you transit from one unpleasant situation to another with ease and less negative vibes. It is simply saying breathe, this too shall pass.

You may want to ask me how I know what peace of mind represents. I will try to explain. I have also always been in a state of flutter over every little occurrence. I was stressed-out a lot. By mid-morning on a work day strain is written all over me because everything gets to me. This is the way I lived for many years until recently. I stressed over my inability to reach an interviewee or presenter, low turnout at meetings, stage fright as I need to chair meetings, my brother’s reported poor health, family issues, my relationship and the list is endless. I was always restless. My brain was actively playing scenarios of each issue even in my sleep. I was unable to switch off and live every moment rather I was living 5 or 6 moments all at once. It felt like all of the burden of the world rested on my shoulders. Except that they didn’t. I wasn’t seeing those things as mere situations. I viewed them as my life – which was not true. I would say to myself or anyone who cared to listen that “I am very emotional. I get attached to things. That’s how I’m wired.” That was my life for too long.

How did that change? I found myself in what I call “an off-season” situation. I had plenty of free time. Consequently, I was forced to have quiet time. In my alone time, I was able to dig deep into myself and discover certain things about me and life in general – I am still discovering. Then I realized that I am being flung every way because I let everything get to my core. It was during this time – invaluable moments of my life - that I decided to find my peace and protect it jealously.

This state of inner peace is very desirable. It is better experienced than described. However, it cannot be handed over to you. Peace of mind is a personal frequency you have to tune your mind to. It is a personal journey. Only you can find it.  Linda Evans summarizes my opinion thus “If there’s no inner peace, people can’t give it to you. The husband can’t give it to you. Your children can’t give it to you”

You owe it to yourself to go deep into yourself and locate that frequency. It usually takes quiet to find it. You need a lot of quiet in your soul to reach that far and connect with your threshold of peace. It is a brand of inner serenity that is can only be yours because when it clicks only you can explain it. Everyone around you will only marvel at how you carry on in the face of stressing situations.

I reckon that as an adult female – be it daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother there are numerous things competing for your attention. Quite true. But one thing is worthy of note, if you lose yourself in the midst of life’s vicissitudes, you will be of no value to anyone. If you function in a state of constant flutter as the winds toss you up and down, side to side, you will never make an impact. You will attend to situations as the mood dictates. This is a sign of less than optimal living. You should not be flummoxed as challenges come your way – they always do. Take charge of situations. Do not let them control you.

Peace of mind does not say you are unfeeling. It doesn’t mean you care less of happenings. It only says “when life throws you lemons, you make lemonade of it.”

When you begin to operate on the frequency of deep inner peace the noise from your neighbour’s generating set will stress you less, your colleague’s supposed insensitivity will stress you less, your fellow road user’s incessant blaring of car honks will irritate you less. You will feel less perturbed not because those situations are not annoying but because you made deliberate effort, by tuning to your peace frequency, to shut out the “noise”. 

When you forget your baby’s water container and meal plate while rushing to pack for her and get ready for work, it is your peace of mind that kicks in after the initial few seconds panic. In place of the panic, your mind gets to work to analyze the situation, as logically as possible, and find a solution. In this case, just buy a unit of table water, improvise his actual eating plate with his drinking cup or hot water flask cover and your child is fine for the day. It is obvious in this scenario that irritability will not bring the water from your kitchen magically. Therefore, peace of mind saves you from negativity. It stops any unpleasant situation from ruining your otherwise great day.

Your peace of mind is worth fighting for. When you find it you will be content in the fact that no matter what life throws at you, your mind is settled. I liken peace of mind to an assurance that the storm can only rock the boat if I can find a way to ensure water does not flood the boat. 

In all honesty finding and living in a perpetual state of inner peace isn’t as easy as spreading butter on bread. Neither is it as leisurely as having tea in bed on a Saturday morning. It is a lot of work to find it but it’s worth every effort you put into establishing it. I assure you, when you find it life, for you, becomes blissful.

 “The life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress, is the easiest type of existence.” – Norman Vincent Peale

RELATIONSHIP OR JACKPOT

"Don't you have a boyfriend?

What are you doing working so hard? Your boyfriend should take care of you. You are beautiful and intelligent. Your boyfriend should take care of you. He should know he is lucky to have you and as such take care of you."

I recollect this conversation from many years back. Over 6 years now, if my estimate is correct. An older guy asks me “What is your boyfriend doing?” I was lost. I didn’t understand his line of thought. To be honest at that time I was working almost round the clock. I was going on field trips, doing production work and all. Been a second calabash – that’s number 2 person after the boss, I was constantly thinking on my feet to give support as needed. My boss, at the time, wasn’t helping matters. He would not give a notice of handing over of duty. He just drops it in your laps, literally, knowing you would pick up the slack. Aside from that tendency to drop the reins unexpectedly, he is also a slave driver. I mean that in a good way because that’s cool for me. It challenges me. Hard work equal success is all I know, at the time that is. Now I know smart work can reduce hard work and get a lot done in shorter time.

Enough said about my work ethics.

So we are back to the guy. He continues saying “What is he doing not taking care of you? You shouldn’t be toiling so much. You are a girl."

My response, so what happens the day he doesn’t have to give? So what happens the day he’s too upset with me to care about my call card? What happens if he doesn’t feel I should enroll for a new course on personal development? What happens if he thinks I should not make the field trip scheduled for a weekend? Those and more questions were on my mind. I only said to him “well… I have to play my part. And I don’t like lazing about."

My point from sharing this little conversation is this, a girl should never be totally dependent on her partner. Be ready to pick up your tabs. Your dignity may be tied to it at some point. For me sitting down looking all pretty doesn’t look well on me. I find it unsettling.

Okay I am not trying to play righteous here. I admit it is nice to be taken care of. It’s nice to have your bills sorted before you even know it. I enjoy it too.  

But sis gone are those days o. Reality check with the world economy may not be able to accommodate such. Whoever even introduced or popularized that dependency idea. Yes, he can help you. Yes, a guy can help you out here and there every now and then but it's not a duty. It's not his obligation. Don't see it as a right. It is not an entitlement. Let no sister fall my hand. Abeg

Never let anyone put you under their feet because you're dependent on them. This will happen if 'boyfriend' is your all in all. And you, babe do not want that to happen.

Find a way to pick your tabs sometimes. Avoid mentioning every little need to his hearing so he, the dutiful kind, won't carry the load on his head always.

Never mind those who seem to complement you about your boyfriend's generosity. You have your self-esteem to build. You need to take some responsibility for your upkeep. In fact that way you will be bringing more value into the relationship.

Be up and doing. Do not allow the guy in question begin to view the relationship as parasitic. It nice to support each other but those kind gestures shouldn’t be taken for granted. I see ladies wait for their partner to load airtime on the phone, wait on him for data subscription, wait on him to change their phones. I remember a conversation with an acquaintance, I can’t recall who it was now. Another lady made a comment about her phone needing a replacement. “Get yourself a new phone the complainant said” Guess what her response was…

I’ll tell you so you don't have to bother your pretty head too much. “How can I buy a phone with my money? He (the boyfriend’s name I don’t remember or she didn’t even mention) will buy it. If he doesn’t, I’ll keep using it until he feels ashamed.”

There I was inwardly rolling my eyes so as not to offend her. I mean it isn’t my business. We were not exactly friends so I couldn’t comment. In my mind I was saying what the heck! Who does that when she can clearly afford it. From her response it was obvious she just pushed that responsibility to the poor guy – well I don’t mean financially poor, that’s just metaphorical. I think I was forced, as the conversation dragged on for a while, to say “why not?” I gave her an instance of me buying a phone of N25,000 (at the time that was about half my monthly pay) for myself from a month’s salary. I further told her it was the first I was buying for myself after my mum did pass me her lightly used Samsung blue face (that one with an antenna). I did enjoy that phone. Maybe I should mention here that the phone was as good as new because my dear mother loves her mobile phones dearly. She was up to date on the technology (thanks to my brother) and gladly purchases them.

Now, girlfriend says “well that’s your style” And is very correct. I don’t begrudge her choice and disposition. But in my opinion, the guy doesn’t have a duty to buy your phone. Why can’t you buy if you can afford to.

With this mentality, it sounds like male partners are expected to take care of all the needs of the lover. That’s a whole lot of expectation on one person. Why expect such knowing fully well that our needs are insatiable as humans how much more as ladies. This is a heavy burden to carry, on one hand. On the other hand, it is a matter of self-respect for me. What say would you have about what you do, how you do it? What happens when you have a tiff? Or even a quarrel? Then he can threaten to withdraw all the pecks. Then he can say to you “I feed you. I clothe you” Ouch! That doesn’t sound well to me. I don’t know about you. I do have a descriptive word for it but I choose not to say it. Let’s just leave it at “it sounds disrespectful” As a matter of self-pride, I would rather avoid such situation.

I should probably give you an instance of a way to protect your dignity from bashing due to “upkeep monopoly” You may follow the example of a girlfriend who

Take some responsibility for yourself. That's a hallmark of a dignified person. This is not to say you refuse to ask for or appreciate support when you need it and it comes unrequested. You can even try splitting the tabs for things you do together. You can do things for him too. There should be reciprocity. Making sacrifices should not be the preserve of one party in a relationship.

Granted there are times down times when things aren't going too well. It happens to all of us at one time or the other. You know those times you quit a job or quite a business, business isn't going on profitably and the like. Those are not normal times. I call those times 'period of colours in between' Those are times when you'll discover there are colours in between black and white. Lol. Times when you are able to scrutinize your needs as different from wants. In this season you can analyze every of you need to the minutest detail. At such times you need all the support you can get.

Ask for help. Request kindly for support without any sense of entitlement. Those times will pass.

Now back to the ideal times when you are flourishing. The fruitful days. Take some of your fruit to pay your bills. You can even help him out too as necessary. Babe! On this one I say be wise o. Don't be supporting a loafer all the time o. Don't spend all your hard-earned money on someone who doesn't reciprocate.

EYE OPENER

In any case, for the babe who has a sense of entitlement, knows it and doesn’t want to change, be aware that guys are getting wiser. They put up measures to cut out unnecessary financial dependence. Why do you think that guy suddenly has flat battery and his phone goes off? Why do you think he becomes incommunicado around your spendthrift season? Soon as he gets wind of a wave of demands coming his way, he runs. You may well say if he loves you, he’ll do anything for you. You are very correct but when it becomes parasitic resentment begins to come in. He will loath that part of you and gradually that feeling will seep into other areas of your relationship.

Just so you know, if you aren’t contributing to his welfare, in some way, he knows. He may just be taking his time before speaking up. Guys too want to be pampered. Surprise him with gifts. You are a planner and a good manager; it may not cost so much. Even if it does, he must deserve it for all his support. Don’t always do the predictable – boxer shorts and under vest. Be creative. A good guy will love you for it. It may even open doors for increased financial bounty.

HINT A GUY
Before you all (guys) crucify me, you should be wise too. Just as a girl needs to balance giving support and financial help, you should too. That's my token.

Soft Steel says your head is there always. Cheers