RELATIONSHIP OR JACKPOT

"Don't you have a boyfriend?

What are you doing working so hard? Your boyfriend should take care of you. You are beautiful and intelligent. Your boyfriend should take care of you. He should know he is lucky to have you and as such take care of you."

I recollect this conversation from many years back. Over 6 years now, if my estimate is correct. An older guy asks me “What is your boyfriend doing?” I was lost. I didn’t understand his line of thought. To be honest at that time I was working almost round the clock. I was going on field trips, doing production work and all. Been a second calabash – that’s number 2 person after the boss, I was constantly thinking on my feet to give support as needed. My boss, at the time, wasn’t helping matters. He would not give a notice of handing over of duty. He just drops it in your laps, literally, knowing you would pick up the slack. Aside from that tendency to drop the reins unexpectedly, he is also a slave driver. I mean that in a good way because that’s cool for me. It challenges me. Hard work equal success is all I know, at the time that is. Now I know smart work can reduce hard work and get a lot done in shorter time.

Enough said about my work ethics.

So we are back to the guy. He continues saying “What is he doing not taking care of you? You shouldn’t be toiling so much. You are a girl."

My response, so what happens the day he doesn’t have to give? So what happens the day he’s too upset with me to care about my call card? What happens if he doesn’t feel I should enroll for a new course on personal development? What happens if he thinks I should not make the field trip scheduled for a weekend? Those and more questions were on my mind. I only said to him “well… I have to play my part. And I don’t like lazing about."

My point from sharing this little conversation is this, a girl should never be totally dependent on her partner. Be ready to pick up your tabs. Your dignity may be tied to it at some point. For me sitting down looking all pretty doesn’t look well on me. I find it unsettling.

Okay I am not trying to play righteous here. I admit it is nice to be taken care of. It’s nice to have your bills sorted before you even know it. I enjoy it too.  

But sis gone are those days o. Reality check with the world economy may not be able to accommodate such. Whoever even introduced or popularized that dependency idea. Yes, he can help you. Yes, a guy can help you out here and there every now and then but it's not a duty. It's not his obligation. Don't see it as a right. It is not an entitlement. Let no sister fall my hand. Abeg

Never let anyone put you under their feet because you're dependent on them. This will happen if 'boyfriend' is your all in all. And you, babe do not want that to happen.

Find a way to pick your tabs sometimes. Avoid mentioning every little need to his hearing so he, the dutiful kind, won't carry the load on his head always.

Never mind those who seem to complement you about your boyfriend's generosity. You have your self-esteem to build. You need to take some responsibility for your upkeep. In fact that way you will be bringing more value into the relationship.

Be up and doing. Do not allow the guy in question begin to view the relationship as parasitic. It nice to support each other but those kind gestures shouldn’t be taken for granted. I see ladies wait for their partner to load airtime on the phone, wait on him for data subscription, wait on him to change their phones. I remember a conversation with an acquaintance, I can’t recall who it was now. Another lady made a comment about her phone needing a replacement. “Get yourself a new phone the complainant said” Guess what her response was…

I’ll tell you so you don't have to bother your pretty head too much. “How can I buy a phone with my money? He (the boyfriend’s name I don’t remember or she didn’t even mention) will buy it. If he doesn’t, I’ll keep using it until he feels ashamed.”

There I was inwardly rolling my eyes so as not to offend her. I mean it isn’t my business. We were not exactly friends so I couldn’t comment. In my mind I was saying what the heck! Who does that when she can clearly afford it. From her response it was obvious she just pushed that responsibility to the poor guy – well I don’t mean financially poor, that’s just metaphorical. I think I was forced, as the conversation dragged on for a while, to say “why not?” I gave her an instance of me buying a phone of N25,000 (at the time that was about half my monthly pay) for myself from a month’s salary. I further told her it was the first I was buying for myself after my mum did pass me her lightly used Samsung blue face (that one with an antenna). I did enjoy that phone. Maybe I should mention here that the phone was as good as new because my dear mother loves her mobile phones dearly. She was up to date on the technology (thanks to my brother) and gladly purchases them.

Now, girlfriend says “well that’s your style” And is very correct. I don’t begrudge her choice and disposition. But in my opinion, the guy doesn’t have a duty to buy your phone. Why can’t you buy if you can afford to.

With this mentality, it sounds like male partners are expected to take care of all the needs of the lover. That’s a whole lot of expectation on one person. Why expect such knowing fully well that our needs are insatiable as humans how much more as ladies. This is a heavy burden to carry, on one hand. On the other hand, it is a matter of self-respect for me. What say would you have about what you do, how you do it? What happens when you have a tiff? Or even a quarrel? Then he can threaten to withdraw all the pecks. Then he can say to you “I feed you. I clothe you” Ouch! That doesn’t sound well to me. I don’t know about you. I do have a descriptive word for it but I choose not to say it. Let’s just leave it at “it sounds disrespectful” As a matter of self-pride, I would rather avoid such situation.

I should probably give you an instance of a way to protect your dignity from bashing due to “upkeep monopoly” You may follow the example of a girlfriend who

Take some responsibility for yourself. That's a hallmark of a dignified person. This is not to say you refuse to ask for or appreciate support when you need it and it comes unrequested. You can even try splitting the tabs for things you do together. You can do things for him too. There should be reciprocity. Making sacrifices should not be the preserve of one party in a relationship.

Granted there are times down times when things aren't going too well. It happens to all of us at one time or the other. You know those times you quit a job or quite a business, business isn't going on profitably and the like. Those are not normal times. I call those times 'period of colours in between' Those are times when you'll discover there are colours in between black and white. Lol. Times when you are able to scrutinize your needs as different from wants. In this season you can analyze every of you need to the minutest detail. At such times you need all the support you can get.

Ask for help. Request kindly for support without any sense of entitlement. Those times will pass.

Now back to the ideal times when you are flourishing. The fruitful days. Take some of your fruit to pay your bills. You can even help him out too as necessary. Babe! On this one I say be wise o. Don't be supporting a loafer all the time o. Don't spend all your hard-earned money on someone who doesn't reciprocate.

EYE OPENER

In any case, for the babe who has a sense of entitlement, knows it and doesn’t want to change, be aware that guys are getting wiser. They put up measures to cut out unnecessary financial dependence. Why do you think that guy suddenly has flat battery and his phone goes off? Why do you think he becomes incommunicado around your spendthrift season? Soon as he gets wind of a wave of demands coming his way, he runs. You may well say if he loves you, he’ll do anything for you. You are very correct but when it becomes parasitic resentment begins to come in. He will loath that part of you and gradually that feeling will seep into other areas of your relationship.

Just so you know, if you aren’t contributing to his welfare, in some way, he knows. He may just be taking his time before speaking up. Guys too want to be pampered. Surprise him with gifts. You are a planner and a good manager; it may not cost so much. Even if it does, he must deserve it for all his support. Don’t always do the predictable – boxer shorts and under vest. Be creative. A good guy will love you for it. It may even open doors for increased financial bounty.

HINT A GUY
Before you all (guys) crucify me, you should be wise too. Just as a girl needs to balance giving support and financial help, you should too. That's my token.

Soft Steel says your head is there always. Cheers